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by D. Cashon Klein

A friend suggested I attend a lecture at the University of South Florida about quantum mechanics. It was free, and three of my friends wished to go. All I had to do was ride along like a dog to the park for a play-date. I refrained from sticking my head out of the window to let the breeze blow my ears and tears back from my face.

There were four of us. David, who I’ve mentioned before, (if you’ve read any of these stories before you lined your bird-cage with them), Nancy, the smartest, yet most innocent person I know, and Bettina, an artist of photography from Hamburg who’s as cute as a speckled pup under a red wagon. Her use of the English language is like a puzzle to decipher. For example, she tried to explain that she was seeking a job more suited to her abilities. She told me, “ I joost must sink around ze corner I guess.” It took me awhile to realize that she meant she needed to think “outside of the box.”

We found the auditorium. We sat in a row… David, Nancy, Bettina and me. David really had no clue about the quantum thing. He only knew that I am desperately trying to bring more positive energy into my life. He’s game when it comes to hanging with the girls. His main concern is who will call or text him on his phone. He does the online dating thing and usually has a couple of irons in the fire. He’s not a player. He is genuinely looking for the one person he’ll be with forever. Unfortunately, he has a teensy problem with communication and punctuality. He will say, “I’ll be at your house in 17 minutes and 37 seconds… maybe 18 minutes and 40 seconds.” The prospective life-long companion is thinking, HUH? One hour later he arrives. I received a picture of a group of us posing together at the Thai temple. David is in the back, looking down at something. He has a blue glow on his face. It occurred to me that he was texting someone! He was texting someone even as we posed for a picture in front of the TEMPLE!

We’re seated in the auditorium and we’re ready for some positive reinforcement from two speakers who we thought would be speaking about positive intention and the measurable effects of it on our lives. They did…sort of. The first speaker asked how many of us were graduate students. About three quarters of the people raised their hands. Then he asked how many specifically had masters or doctorates in physics. Now there were about half as many hands. Then he asked how many had taken ANY physics at all….most of the hands went up. Then he asked, “How many of you have never gone to college or taken any physics?” It was my hand, only mine, that raised up like a wisp of smoke. I felt like a leper.

We listened to an hour of “holographic physics at the micro and macro level.” We heard “extrapolations, and experiments that produced various statistics and the quantification of intention versus attention.” We saw numerous graphs. A woman in front of us nodded knowingly after everything he said. Several people murmured in agreement after specific studies were mentioned. David slept. Nancy listened intently. Bettina sucked on a 24 oz. bottle of water. She’s very health-conscious. Trouble is, the water bottle made a strange collapsing sound when she drank from it. I’m sure there’s a scientific explanation for the expanding and contracting of a plastic bottle when a vacuum is introduced. The woman in front of us, between copious note taking, glanced back in our direction. I sank into my seat, having already identified myself as an imbecile.

Bettina decided it was time for a healthy snack, so she passed three packs of wasabi treats down to us. Wasabi snacks are crunchy things in loud cellophane wrappers. There we were, the four of us, opening loud, plastic bags that crackled every time we dipped into them. We crunched on the treats like hyenas on bones. The woman in front was really twisting her neck to glare at us by this time. I was sure she was going to have a bad case of “irritation-caused -by-ignorant-people-whiplash.” I am, after all, a massage therapist. I know these things.

It was time to ask questions. I wanted to know if the genius boy had been a latchkey child. I wanted to know the difference between MICRO and MACRO. I wanted to know how a device could be random, or if random came before the device. I really, really wanted to know where the ladies room was located.

We decided to go. We were hungry. The snacks were merely a tease. We argued whether the Thai place was on Fletcher or Fowler. I manifested Fletcher in my mind and sure enough, we found the place! Right where I said it would be!

It was closed.