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Potter A positive, practical, parental talking together, is not accidental.

by Rosemary Lee Potter, Ed.D.
Special to Tropical Breeze

When I listen to parents talking to their children, I remember when I too was a 24/7 parent with active youngsters and our family always on the go. Here are some ideas which worked then and apply in these days as well. I’ll call it “Listening to and talking with!”

Sometime it’s hard to listen to children at all. The chatter is overwhelming. In some cases, however, it’s underwhelming, with practically nothing talked about at all when a parent’s around, much less discussed with a parent. Parents need to find a consistent middle among ineffectives: talking too much, unfocused talking, and no talking shared or offered.

A positive, practical, parental talking together, is not accidental. It’s got to be so natural and usual that children will come to depend on it and share some oft surprising ideas and concerns!

I used to relish the talk which went on with and around me while I was driving my boys somewhere or picking them up. Hmmm! Daily for nearly 15 years there was this confined little moment and space where and when we were together, a pleasantly captivated audience with me as one member.

Sometimes we talked about the most difficult life topics to discuss. I remember discussing virginity while keeping my eyes on the traffic! It was an informal chat, not unlike one we might have about something we wanted at the store, as if we were just talking about — well almost anything. Maybe not quite. It’s that it was at that moment so easily experienced — a more awkward topic. When parents pick a formal time to slow down, sit down and talk, that very formality, so unlike hurried lives, turns the whole topic into a stiff and tough thing to discuss. This official “meeting” is even often called off!

However, there in our familiar, oft-visited old car, there was both time and quiet. Note: Even in those days we did not allow headsets to be used, much less hand-gaming, unless on a long trip. All can hear and nobody can or will tune out our precious time together between school and the mall. A snack helps. Keeps hands busy — even if there have just been many school hours when hand-games and music could not be played. This conversation idea will be hard on parents who count on these back seat diversions for children during the drive anytime, anywhere.

About that growing-up conversation, though, I parked, never having looked the boys in the face, while discussing with them their questions about virginity. Stopped, I turned in my seat, finally toward my sons. As I undid my seatbelt, I told them how glad I was we’d had that talk. I asked if they had any more questions right then. They didn’t. So I told them to ask when we get home later or anytime, okay? They nodded. We got out and got on with our after-school shopping.

The first talk about virginity was not over, but just comfortably begun, the door left open for later discussion. They did get back to me, by the way — at home not in the car..

My reaction? Even if a bit surprised at their question, I was pleased they’d chosen this way to open that first private talk. Many times we’d talked in the car before — about problems at school, about the death of a relative, etc. Their dad, Bob, and I were pleased that this latest maturing curiosity had been so naturally expressed.

As are many parents, dads and moms too, he had wondered how we would “handle” it — and other topics — when and where they came up. Did we want other children to be their inexperienced advisors instead of us? Indeed not. This is not to say all the big questions and talks, happy, sad or surprising should take place with the kids seated behind the parents. That plan just worked here to take the pressure off, if any, from considering together a special life subject.

Truly, parents who encourage their children to talk and ask regularly, find the sometimes uncomfortable moments less so. My mother had been talking with me about just about everything for my whole childhood. No surprise, then, when, as a girl of 12, on a trip through Kentucky with my family, I discovered I was having my first period,

I turned to my mama.

Her calm and encouraging, expert attitude, taking me to the ladies’ room to adjust to my new situation, answering all my many questions later on a private walk, soothed my natural physical and emotional concerns. Back we went to dinner where all seemed normal. There, I had just grown up and here we were eating dinner, just as if this happened every day, a regular thing! And it was because my mother listened to me and talked with me. She set the tone for my lifetime as a confident, grown woman. Passage to that status had been calm, understanding, normal and proud.

One dad and his wife decided that whenever “these sort” of question moments arise, their children will seek out Mom! Sorry. Children will choose who really gets to hear the questions — if any parent. Other kids? OR — will it be the parent present? The parent who’s made talking most comfortable? Postponing and forwarding tells children talking about some things is a no-no! Best? Both parents are on this routine duty… any time.

The child’s beyond baby babbling? Start two-way communication pronto! Never too late. Share some private thoughts… even weaknesses. In regularly listening and talking with, not always to, children, parents show that your family matters.

 © 2006 Rosemary Lee Potter. All Rights Reserved.

Rosemary Lee Potter, Ed.D., has been a teacher since 1960, including 21 years at Safety Harbor Middle School, and is now a reading teacher at Carwise Middle School, Palm Harbor. Contact her at This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it or by mail in care of Tropical Breeze, P.O. Box 585, Safety Harbor, FL 34695.