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Positively Me In 2007
by D. Cashon Klein
I’m going to be better this year. I swear I am. I’m going to be better if it kills me. I am no longer going to be the person that motivational speakers and Dr. Phil tell you to avoid and remove from your environment. I am not going to be that negative energy that sticks to you like a wad of gum on the pavement in the summer, next to your car where you have to step to get in, or the bad smell that hovers around you after you’ve eaten cabbage and thought you could get away with just a tiny bit of relief without anyone noticing. I am not going to be the Saturday Night Live “Debbie Downer” character or even the Disney ‘Eeyore,” both of whom I am CERTAIN were modeled after me and yet I have not seen a NICKEL of royalty money to this day.
I am going to work really, really hard to not hate beautiful, young women with perky breasts, tiny waists, swan-like necks and flat stomachs. I WILL NOT imagine them 30 or 40 years from now after babies and bad marriages and depleted ozone layers. I will not immediately assume that they are vacuous and self-centered with no personality because they’ve gotten by on looks alone. I will no longer paint black mustaches on the models on the front of Vogue or Marie Claire with my Sharpie pen that I carry with me at all times for just such a purpose.
I will not resent young, handsome men and chant
to myself, “No matter HOW cute you think you are, someone, somewhere,
is sick to DEATH of you.”
Nope… that’s the OLD Debbie. Out with the old,
in with the new! Why, my friends (the few I have left) will wonder at
my cheerful and gracious demeanor. They will be amazed that I can
converse for a FULL HOUR without discussing death and whether or not we
truly go to a better place or simply disappear into oblivion. I won’t
ponder aloud about whether we have to come back and experience horrible
tragedies and painful deaths because we haven’t done so in one of our
previous lives. And if we HAVE experienced a tragic life, do we then
have to come back as the lowest form of animal and start all over
again? These will not be the thoughts that I will share in conversation
over a glass of wine or tea. Besides, wine is actually a depressant,
and tea can cause heart palpitations and stain your teeth.
I am going to be so positive. I will not let
anything get me down... nosirrreee, not me! I will take everything in
stride. I’ll pull myself up by my bootstraps and forge ahead. I won’t
worry that my car is going to die at any moment and I won’t be able to
fix it. NO PROBLEM! I’ll learn to ride a BIKE. The exercise will be
GOOD for me. There are amazing things they can do medically these days
after a car has struck a cyclist… and there are TWO hospitals on my way
to work! Of course, I could always lose my job, they ARE cutting back…
but no worries! So WHAT if I have no savings and I’m up to my ears in
debt? SOMETHING will come along… right? I mean, I found jobs within
four months of the two I lost before. You just have to make a JOB out
of finding a JOB! Why, with my new, positive attitude I should be able
to at least be a greeter at Wal-Mart, right? And that’s an EXCELLENT
way to meet people. Besides, I’m always hearing that the economy is
better than EVER.
See how positive I've become already? With
enough practice, I should be able to see the bright side of ANY
situation. It won’t matter anymore that I can’t afford a dentist.
Dentures will be less expensive than deep cleanings, root canals and
caps!
I will be the first name on the list when
people decide who to invite to their parties. I will become an
excellent listener. People LOVE people who listen. I won’t yawn or
think about all the things I have to do at home while someone goes on
and on about their trip to France, or Japan, or Africa. I won’t think
about being at home in bed with a bowl of chips and a good book while
someone yammers on about the novel they just wrote or their honeymoon
on the Orient Express. Envy will be a part of my PAST. I will be HAPPY
for people’s good fortune and their ability to take time off to travel
or retire at 50. I won’t secretly blame them and the whole universe for
the fact that I’ve never been out of the country, nor have I ever taken
five whole days off in a row unless it was to move or plan a funeral.
Nope. Those thoughts are gone with the wind That’s the OLD me, the
Ghost of Negative Past.
You are reading about the brand new, shiny
Debbie of the year 2007. It will be an excellent year even though
George… uh-oh, see how I stopped myself from interjecting a negative
thought? You see? It’s working… Here’s to the New Year!
Now where did I stash that bottle of Vodka… ?
Debbie Cashon Klein is a Safety Harbor resident.
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