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Whiner! There’s nothing much more
annoying that when a child makes his/her wishes known in demand
fashion. Manipulating the little voice into a whine with repetition
is part of the “demanding” syndrome. Haven’t you
seen a youngster come up to his/her mom someplace, at first perhaps
just reaching for her hand or climbing into her lap, and then
beginning to intrude — a whispered request, mom defers
momentarily, and moments later, a bit more whiny in nature, the
same request. It’s not only the whining which is not
acceptable, but note the voice tone is really part of a repetitious
“I want my way, now!”
The more whiny ,the more repetitious, the
more likely mom will grant the request, even after saying no
several times! And, wow, do children learn this procedure fast.
They think, “If I keep on doing this, she’ll say yes,
just to get me to stop.” Well, they maybe don’t think
this, but they do learn this quite easily.
Whoa! That last kind of thinking is a
downward spiral for parents. Once we fall for the whiny,
repetitious request, we have set a pattern which will be employed
again and again. How can we kick the whiny habit before it’s
really entrenched? Successful parents suggest at least three ways
to rid you and your child of whine.
1. A listening parent — hearing the
beginning of the whine — say, a repeated request, does give
attention, but not to satisfy the child.’s desires. Mom or
dad says, “I hear you, but, for now, the answer is no.”
(Repeated) “The answer is no.”
2. Not long after the whining incident,
the parent takes the initiative and calls the child over and
restarts the conversation with “Earlier you came to me when I
was busy to ask for something. It was not a good time to ask me.
Now talk to me again and tell me what you are asking
about.”
3. The child will be surprised to be shown
such deference and will probably ask for the item or assistance,
just as earlier, but will have no need for whining.
4. Does a parent have to fork over a
“yes” now that the tone of the request is appropriate?
Of course not, but when preparing to say no again, have a handy
surprise alternative. Perhaps they wanted candy, offer new
crayons.
The several things that happen with the
suggested procedure above is that the parent chooses the timing.
Whining got the child nothing, while in non-whiny discussion,
there’s something to be gained, say crayons. Much more, the
parent proves authentic interest in the child’s concerns, not
demands.
Interrupter! Several years ago I was asked
to talk with parents about terrible habits children develop. One of
those really negative behaviors is rude interrupting — from
trying to get attention while parents are talking on the phone to
actually interrupting someone’s speaking.
In recent years I have come to realize
that in some families it is quite normal for a child to put his/her
two cents into any conversation! While no parent can expect a 21st
century child to be seen, but not heard, the exact opposite is now
apparently true, excepting — wait a minute. Today’s
child is seen and heard — often at his own discretion. I
still think there is a model of behavior, though, which parents can
truly present. For example, instead of the usual,
“We’ll go make a mess when mama answers the
phone.” Keep a snap locked basket right near the phone. In it
are several toys and perhaps new crayons and paper. Before a phone
call, show the children what they may do while you talk! It works.
And if the children stay quietly near you while you are talking on
the phone, remember to compliment them big time — or make
great pudding! Trick? Practice it ahead of time.
As to joining in an adult conversation,
it’s quite all right to say to a child that although they can
be present, they must please wait for a turn to talk. Make sure
there is a turn, say turning to the child and saying, “What
do you think about all this?”
In either case — whining or
interrupting — the best model for participating in polite
conversations that a child can have is an interested parent, who
uses real-life courtesy, rather than laugh-track, sit-com behavior,
in which much whining and interruption is shown, in fact, praised
as acceptable and humorous. A parent who listens and models
instead, good conversational behavior with his/her children shows
just them just how much your family matters.
© 2007 Rosemary Lee Potter. All
Rights Reserved.
Rosemary Lee Potter, Ed.D., has been a
teacher since 1960, including 21 years at Safety Harbor Middle
School, and is now a reading teacher at Carwise Middle School, Palm
Harbor. Contact her at
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it
or by mail in care
of Tropical Breeze, P.O. Box 585, Safety Harbor, FL 34695.
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